jillboard

16 People Who Are My Best Friend In My Head

Mon, 20 May 2013 14:55:12 -0400

16 People Who Are My Best Friend In My Head:

Last weekend Chris Pine asked me out but I was like UMMMMM& it

Best Comment Ever.

Thu, 16 May 2013 19:32:00 -0400

Ok… amongst all the wholly retarded idiots who are actually arguing that I’m a “racist ignorant white lady who should be pushed into the ocean because I have no taste in music and don’t understand the meaning behind:

‘I gets lotsa commas, I can f*ck yo mama, I ain’t with the drama, You can meet my llama.’”

…..This beautiful comment emerges in the argument. Hilarious:

I couldn’t agree more. What an enlightening example of meaningful lyrics produced by mindful musical prodigies.

For example, let’s take a look at # 5 lyrics from Pusha T’s lavish collaboration with Kanye, 2 chainz and Big Sean.

“I’m bill droppin’, Ms. Pacman is pill poppin’ ass hoe, I’m poppin’ too, these blue dolphins need two coffins”.

Firstly, we’re invited into a world of excess and hedonism, executed with catchy alliterations ‘bILL, drOPPIN, Ms Pacman is pILL pOPPIN’ and with verbatim tone that’s raw and unscrupulous. Ms Pacman provides an iconic 80’s metaphor and keen visual imaginary of his ladies exorbitant drug habit. These ‘blue dolphins needs two coffins’ masterfully disguises the true explicit nature of his lyrics in colloquialisms, and perhaps intentionally, from the judgmental arm of studio censorship. ‘Blue dolphins’ represents a colloquial term of NDMA which, by some users, are taken with alprazolam/Xanax ‘Coffins’.

So thank you buzzfeed, truely, a masterful work worthy of well deserved praise.

- Sam Hall · Deakin University, Geelong

BuzzFeed: “15 Totally Meaningful Lyrics From The Best Musical Prodigies Of Our Time”

15 Totally Meaningful Lyrics From The Best Musical Prodigies Of Our Time

Wed, 15 May 2013 13:20:02 -0400

15 Totally Meaningful Lyrics From The Best Musical Prodigies Of Our Time:

The Beatles’ ain’t got SH*T on these lyrical geniuses.

There’s just nothing quite like hearing about Nicki Minaj’s anus.

The 20 Things We Miss About Miley Cyrus

Tue, 07 May 2013 13:01:00 -0400

The 20 Things We Miss About Miley Cyrus:

“Give me down to there, hair, shoulder length or longer” - Hair 1968

In celebration of @norbuck, @imarleneking, AND @AshBenzo...

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 18:18:14 -0400

In celebration of @norbuck, @imarleneking, AND @AshBenzo tweeting about the PSA… here’s the blooper reel to the OFFICIAL PRETTY LITTLE LIARS PSA!

Watch the PSA here: http://youtu.be/s6WwOy-9-SA

The PLLs:

Spencer: Jillian Gutowitz @jillboard

Hanna: Madison Gutowitz @mmmguda

Emily: Lauren Magenta @laurenmagenta

Aria: Sam Materia @s_materia

BuzzFeed article “

11 Ridiculous Events With No Explanations That No One Ever Questions On “Pretty Little Liars”: http://www.buzzfeed.com/jillboard/11-ridiculous-events-with-no-explanations-that-no-a7ki

dancersbitch: If my sister got engaged to alison dilaurentis’...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 21:26:00 -0400

dancersbitch:

If my sister got engaged to alison dilaurentis’ corpse i’d of probably fucked it

11 Ridiculous Events With No Explanations That No One Ever Questions On "Pretty Little Liars"

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 18:47:27 -0400

11 Ridiculous Events With No Explanations That No One Ever Questions On "Pretty Little Liars":

addierobs:

Rosewood is chock full of common occurrences, like manslaughter. If you constantly find yourself in completely unrealistic situations like this, check out the PSA at the bottom and find out how you…

I’m dying. So funny. #7 is my fav. “At least she is consistent”

Also the video at the end is hilarious.

11 Ridiculous Events With No Explanations That No One Ever Questions On "Pretty Little Liars"

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 18:29:45 -0400

11 Ridiculous Events With No Explanations That No One Ever Questions On "Pretty Little Liars":

Rosewood is chock full of common occurrences, like manslaughter. If you constantly find yourself in completely unrealistic situations like this, check out the PSA at the bottom and find out how you…

THE OFFICIAL “PRETTY LITTLE LIARS” PSA: If...

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 10:07:47 -0400

THE OFFICIAL “PRETTY LITTLE LIARS” PSA:

If you’re beautiful, you need help. So call now.

The PLLs:

Spencer: Jillian Gutowitz

Hanna: Madison Gutowitz

Emily: Lauren Magenta

Aria: Sam Materia

NEW JILLBOARD VIDEO! Did you know James Franco did a special MTV...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 12:03:50 -0400

NEW JILLBOARD VIDEO! Did you know James Franco did a special MTV Cribs episode to show everyone his Sprang Break digs? #SPRANGGGGBRAAAAAYK

OSCARS 2013 Drinking Game - Jillboard

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 21:52:22 -0500

OSCARS 2013 Drinking Game - Jillboard:

Are you guys hammered yet? #oscars

Liiiiiiiiiike Kim Kardashian’s boobs are the size of my...

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 12:27:00 -0500

Liiiiiiiiiike Kim Kardashian’s boobs are the size of my head & other BREAKING NEWS. Did you hear about Rihanna’s SCRAPED KNEE?!1 #HOSPITAL

Jillboard: “Beards, Boobs, & Beyonce”

Share if you like it, right?

thepit-nyc: PITizen Jillian Gutowitz (TheJillboard.com) just...

Fri, 25 Jan 2013 14:51:06 -0500

thepit-nyc:

PITizen Jillian Gutowitz (TheJillboard.com) just started a new pop culture webshow that she writes, produces, and acts in. This lady does it all! Why not check it out?

Hey thas me!

JILLBOARD POP CULTURE WEB-SHOW EPISODE 1: “Spring Breaks...

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 10:42:53 -0500

JILLBOARD POP CULTURE WEB-SHOW EPISODE 1: “Spring Breaks & Assquakes”

Taylor Swift Correct in Assumption that Guy Who Walked in is Trouble; 7 Dead, 4 Injured at Star's House Party

Sun, 30 Dec 2012 22:30:01 -0500

hollywomp:

@StoolPizzaBoy

Hollywomp: Kristen Stewart To "Return" To Snow White and the Huntsman 2

Tue, 25 Dec 2012 20:37:19 -0500

Hollywomp: Kristen Stewart To "Return" To Snow White and the Huntsman 2:

hollywomp:

Los Angeles, CA - Kristen Stewart has shadily admitted to “return” to Snow White and the Huntsman 2. Though she hasn’t given any details, she “claimed” to “NOT KNOW” who would be directing the sequel to the infamous, scandalous Snow White and The Huntsman. This past year, the whole world…

An Open Letter To New Jersey From A Student Who Was Just Studying Abroad

Sat, 22 Dec 2012 20:44:48 -0500

Dear New Jersey,

My name is not important and I am from New Jersey. Yes, I live inside of you. I’m writing to you because I’m a little bit concerned with your behavior. As you may know, due to my mother telling the entire Garden State about my whereabouts, I studied in Los Angeles, California this Fall 2012. I just returned this past Wednesday and I have to say, I’m a little extremely disappointed. I have a few questions for you, New Jersey.

What’s with all the scumbags? I went to Best Buy today (my first mistake) and was grimacing at all the Giants fans’ harsh language. I cannot be positive as to if they were actually speaking English, it sounded like they had Fruit Roll Ups stuck in their throats. Is that an accent? Do I have that? Do you? Also, their faces were so dirty! I think they just rubbed their faces in the ground or something. Does Gillette distribute here? And why do they have so many tattoos on their necks? I was so disturbed by the amount of white people wearing beanies that only covered one ear. Also, the bald people. So. Many. Bald People!

What’s going on with the weather? I might write a separate open letter to Mother Nature or whoever handles the Northeast cloud sector. Since Wednesday, it has snowed, blown the acne off my face (thank you for that), and also blown most of the skin off my face (please give that back I need it). I’ve never felt creepier than when I had to purchase the amount of lotion that I just purchased at Wal-Mart. Even if I sit in the lotion, my skin bleeds. What’s wrong with you? Fuck your flurries!

And finally, what’s with the trees? Or lack there OF! Who thinks I want to come home and stare at endless rows of grayish/brown branches covered in squirrels? News flash: I don’t. Where’s the nature? The leaves? The things that look pretty? THE SUN?! The branches outside my bedroom window look like my great grandpa’s lanky fingers. MY GREAT GRANDPA IS DEAD.

I really don’t feel bad for sounding so pretentious. Anyone who makes me wear two pairs of spandex and multiple pairs of striped gloves does not deserve to be treated well. “Do as to those who you want to do unto them”… or something. Jeez. Please get warmer, develop some nature, and encourage your inhabitants to act like they evolved past chimpanzees. Oh also, the weed. There are literally no weed stores here…? Change your ways or I’m out.

Freezingly,

You know who.

"5 Naughty Gifts Your Girlfriend Will Love" From An Actual Girl

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 17:17:00 -0500

So I just finished sifting through all the “I’m still alive” Facebook posts and came across this article on BroBible called “5 Naughty Gifts Your Girlfriend Will Love”. The dirty list consisted of sex toys, shit from Victoria’s Secret that no one wears, and a sex mask - what is that. Now, I don’t know how many girls these guys know, but I sure know a lot of them - myself being one of these girls I know. And from all these things I know, I can also infer knowing that NO GIRLFRIEND WOULD EVER ACCEPT THESE GIFTS FOR CHRISTMAS, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Girls (the good ones) put so much time, thought, and effort into gifts for their boyfriends. I can’t tell you how many texts I’ve received about what my girls should get their guys for Christmas. It’s about what the other person will like, not about what YOU like. With that being ranted, I compiled my own list of “5 Naughty Gifts Your Girlfriend Will Love”.

1. Chapstick. I can’t find mine. And nothing screams Christmas Blowjob like lips that aren’t crusty, AM I RIGHT FELLAS?

2. Sex Coupon? Are you serious? How bout a “Leave Me Alone” coupon, where you don’t talk to me for a week, don’t touch me, don’t ask me to touch you, don’t completely indiscreetly ask me to touch you (none of you are good at this), and stop texting me. There is nothing worse than a guy that texts more than I do. Your smiley face emoticon screams “homosexual”, and not the good kind.

3. Justin Bieber’s new album. You know how girls don’t always say what they’re thinking? “What’s wrong?” “Nothing, I’M FINE.” Well, we’re all thinking about Justin Bieber so don’t make us ask for it. If you’re a really good person, he’s touring this summer (www.ticketmaster.com/justinbieber there I did all the work, you just sit back and relax like you always do).

4. Don’t cheat on us? Or scheme. Don’t lock your phone. We are so much smarter, moron.

5. Stop making fun of what we like. Maybe if you let us watch the Kardashians, don’t complain, hold our hand in public, don’t complain, see the new Bradley Cooper romcom with us, DON’T COMPLAIN, act like Bradley Cooper in his new romcom, and just be a decent human being, then we might actually want to have sex with you.

Do all those things, or even 2 of them, we have no expectations for you dumb dumbs anymore, and we’ll start liking you again. And remember, you’re SO lucky to have us - unless your girlfriend is that girl on Facebook who constantly talks shit about you online and her hair is died jet black and its falling out - break up with her.

P.S. check out the “disclaimer” on the bottom of the BroBible article. That guy only wrote that so his girlfriend didn’t break up with him as soon he hit post - “Baby I’m not like that…Baby…Babe?”

How long does it take you to write these?

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 18:40:02 -0500

20 minutesish

An Open Letter to 2012 From a Needy Pre-Teen Who Feels Poor

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 13:22:00 -0500

Dear 2012,

My name is Becky and I’m 13 and 3/4 years old. My mom told me not to use the Internet without her permission but what the heck does she know. I’ve been googling uncircumcised penises since 8 AM. But the main reason I went online today is to write this letter to you, because I’m very disappointed in you, 2012.

As we all have known for 11 months, it is 2012. Soon it will be 2013, MAYBE. And I have to say, I feel poor and underprivileged living in 2012 because of how prehistoric our technology is. I learned the word ‘prehistoric’ yesterday in social studies with Ms. Connor. She is weird.

What I don’t get, mostly, is why we don’t have robots. I have seen lots of stuff on TV (PG-13 and HIGHER, don’t tell mom), including iRobot and Wall-E. I know they exist, I just don’t know why I don’t have one. This is why I feel poor.

Why do I still have to help my mom carry groceries into the house? It hurts my hands a lot and I don’t get why we don’t have the technology to get rid of this. It’s 2012.

Why do I still need to brush my teeth? And why does everyone tell me I need to get a job when I’m old? It’s 2012! Teeth-brushing is ancient! So are careers.

Let’s talk about Netflix. I know it sounds like it’s advanced and like it would help me. But it’s not. Who thinks I want to watch “Ben Bailey’s Road Rage” or “The Tangerine Bear”? I want to watch either really popular R-Rated comedies that are still in theaters because then I don’t need ID to see them OR punny movie-themed pornos. Duh!

And what’s up with chores? If we have the technology to create Flubber and R2D2, why don’t I have a CHORES E89-2012 Edition ROBOT HELPER?? It’s just simple math. It’s freaking 2012!!!

Anyway, you can see my frustration with you, 2012. Or should I say, 2-LOUSY-12?? I finally understand why the world is supposed to end this year. Stupid.

Lazily,

Srsly pls do not tell mom I watched American Wedding, she’s gonna be so disappointed in me.

P.S. Please excuse my formatting on this letter, I know it’s no 5-paragraph essay.